My weight showed 89 this morning. 89 fucking pounds! That is 89 too much! I want to fade away and live in my own world there I'm weightless. I want to be nothing, I want to be a skeleton...

I was home from school today. I couldn't go. I didn't have the energy. I don't want to go to school tomorrow either. I can't look at my classmates when I know they whisper about me behind my back... When I'm at school people stare at me and whisper. I can hear what they are saying "look at that poor skinny girl" "Look at her tiny legs and her pale skin" I also heard one boy that said " wow, look at her, and look at those lips. I can't imagine that anybody want to kiss her"

That really hurt. I ran to the toilet and cried for one hour. Why are people so mean? why do they lie to me, ok I know about my disgusting lips, but I not skinny!!! Everyone says I'm skinny, but I'm not!

It's one girl at my school, she has to be anorexic. She's so skinny! I call here the super-anorextic chick. She's really skinny, but she looks healthy at the same time. I also want to be that skinny! When I see her I feel like a hippo compared with that super-anorexic chick. I'm so jealous. I know I shouldn't because she's sick, but I can't help it.

I'm sick and I need help, indeed I get a lot of help, but I can't accept it. Everyone tells me I'm so lucky. I have a family with with plenty of resources, one of the best psychiatrist in Norway, and a lot more. Everyone wants to help me, but I guess I'm just a selfish, spoilt little brat!

Take care everyone!

xoxo Nemi

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003